Thomas has a past that is nearly impossible to believe. The gentlest, kindest man that I have ever had the pleasure of calling a friend, I still struggle at times to imagine that he was addicted to drugs, alcohol, and unhealthy relationships for many years. Even greater, though, is the struggle to imagine that he--who truly exemplifies Christ--rebelled against God to the point of blaspheme.
While we could journey to the depths of the pit he dug for himself and rejoice in his rescue, I am afraid that would only speak to his salvation. As powerful and encouraging of a story as that is, this story speaks to something beyond the manifestation of sin and initial surrender to Christ. It speaks to what is underneath the manifestation of our sin: the brokenness in our relationship with God, the selfishness we return to, and the inability to love as we are called to.
In order to love as we are called to, to abandon ourselves, and to repair our relationship with God, we must expose the root of our sin…which means we must face Jesus.
Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord!”
But he said to them, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.”
John 20:24-25
The disciple Thomas followed Jesus with a unique willingness. Shortly before the crucifixion, he was ready to die—without hesitation—with Christ in Bethany. His love for Jesus was apparent…until it wasn’t.
The crucifixion of Christ caused Thomas to cast that willingness to the side and activated the doubt buried in the depths of his soul. On the surface, I imagine that doubt manifested in echoing thoughts: How could a dead man prevail over the Romans? Had I been wrong all along, following a false Messiah? Had the Pharisees been right? What if I had actually died with Him in Bethany, only for Him to not be who He said He was? I gave up everything to follow Jesus, and now what am I supposed to do? This wasn’t the plan!
Each and every question would have boiled down to the same thing: the unstable condition of his heart.
In his feeble mind, it seemed senseless to the disciple Thomas that a King would enter Jerusalem triumphantly atop a donkey; that a King would quietly endure extreme brutality and crucifixion; that someone could be dead for three days before coming back to life. He had no logical reason to believe that things were going to go the way Jesus had said they would. And if he didn’t believe things would go as Jesus said they would, that meant that the disciple was also struggling with accepting Jesus for who He said He was.
All too often we are in this exact situation. We paralyze ourselves by looking at things through our limited, flawed, and fleshly perspective. We encounter impossible circumstances and cannot see a way out. We fixate on the things we lack, the things we think we need in order to reach an outcome God promised us. We wonder why He has not given us those things yet. Then we believe we are too sinful for His love, too unworthy of His grace, too dirty for His mercies. Once in that place, we doubt Him further, we grow angry with Him, we take control, we venture off trying to find the way ourselves, and somewhere along the line of justifying all of this we completely shut off our ability to face the love He has for us.
If we logic ourselves out of faith in Christ, we logic ourselves out of His love for us.
We have to turn back. We have to turn back and face the radical, illogical, sacrificial love demonstrated at the cross. Like the disciple Thomas, we have to face our sin and the wounds it caused so that we may remember why He endured so much pain and suffering. When we remember, we see the depth of His love; that while we were still sinners, He died for us. While we were addicted to drugs, alcohol, and unhealthy relationships and wanted nothing to do with Him, He died for us. While we wait in uncertainty, while we are desperate for answers, He continues to die for us. And He dies for us time and time again when we turn our eyes away from His love because we are confused, doubtful, and angry.
But we cannot turn back until we have peeled back every layer of unbelief.
Once we have removed our unbelief and have reached the place deep within us—the place where the root of it all is harbored—we can stand exposed before our God who uproots mistruths with one touch of His perfect love.
A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”
Thomas said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
John 20:26-29a
It is inevitable that we will encounter situations as the doubting disciple did; situations that cause pain, that bring uncertainty, or that force us to face our imperfection. In the midst of such situations, we must stand as Thomas stands in this picture. We must crucify ourselves so we can crucify our unbelief. We must be still with arms wide open in expectation, knowing that the Greatest Love there ever has been will shower us to the depths of our soul with His affections. We must be ready to receive His love--the love that gently peels away our unbelief, leads us out of our selfishness, and reintroduces us to His perfect love;
