“What you focus on grows.”
Our minds are slippery places. Once a thought enters, it isn’t long before a hundred of its companions join it and lead us down a path we can’t retrace. The path of things I could say, think, and focus on for each of the two places I was brought back to yesterday is endless.
Historically, that is what I have chosen to do. Despite knowing the truth behind the five words in the opening quote, and despite knowing how slippery the admittance of just one measly thought is, I have chosen that. While I cannot retrace the steps of the countless trains of thought I’ve allowed my mind to embark on, I can retrace the steps to the core of all of the thoughts: pain.
Today I played basketball with my youngest daughter. Wiser than should be allowed at her age, she faked an injury because she has observed that doing so stops the game, and then someone gets to restart with the ball. An advantageous (and manipulative) move, once she saw that this resulted favorably for her, she tried it again and again. The focus of our time on the court shifted from joy to pain, the latter eventually outweighing the former.
So it has been with the pain in my heart. Focusing on it has brought a sense of satisfaction. I have felt justified in allowing myself to experience this pain because I know that what happened was undeniably wrong. And so I - unconsciously or not - have chosen to hone in on the pain again and again. Before I realize it, the focus of my time has shifted from joy to pain, and soon after, the frequency and severity of that pain multiplies because I crave even more satisfaction.
It took walking her chosen path for my daughter to realize that ultimately her choice didn’t result in the long-lasting joy she thought it would; what she actually experienced was fleeting. Likewise, it has taken me walking the path I have chosen for myself to realize that ultimately, my choices haven't resulted in the long-lasting joy I thought they would. Like her, I must come to terms with my decisions - even the seemingly innocent ones like which thoughts I ponder - and shift my focus.