Miss Independent.
A phrase featured on memes, the title of a few songs from my youth, and words I’d use to describe myself, I would also render this coupling of words to be one of my greatest internal battles. Independence can be a defense mechanism, and for me, that is what it is a lot of the time.
Recently (much longer than six days ago - hence the title “Forty-ish”), an intercessory prayer essentially told me that the way I am now - independent, self-sufficient, always in beast mode - is a result of what I’ve survived. It made complete sense to me that day, but today brought revelation at a new depth as it wed so many things my Heavenly Father has been revealing to me.
It began with another date with my trail. Every time I hike, I check the signs on each post along the way as if I were a rookie. Yet, only today did I notice that the “backward way” God has been prompting me to take is actually the way that is numbered chronologically. That is, my “forward way” is actually the true wrong way. From my first steps on that path to this day, I have walked as if the route I take is the only route. Thankfully, my clueless and, at times, ignorant self is loved by a patient and gracious God.
The revelation continued in the car. I don’t often listen to secular music, but I tend to stop on those stations when I am alone in the car. A search for nostalgia that occasionally brings back memories of old friends brought confirmation this evening.
Through the voice of Kelly Clarkson, God reminded me of many things He has spoken, revealed, and convicted me of…self-sufficiency, apprehension, an open door, leaving old habits behind, changing misconceptions, going in a new direction. Each lyric unraveled the pride that once fueled my voice as I sang them years ago. This time, I sang from a place of revelation, a place where I am beginning to understand who I am at a new depth and how all of the things that have been a part of my story have not only served their purpose but have helped to bring me to the exact place I am now.
Still Miss Independent, but now I am independent of protecting myself, for that is the job of my Father.