Forty

Just as He led me back to the trails today and told me which direction to walk them, He had led me to where I was in my life and had given me ample indication of what His desire for me was and what I was supposed to do. Yet what was before my eyes did not match what I knew to be true.

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Thirty-Nine

My life has centered around those two words more than it probably should. In fact, I wish I could say that I have grown out of the “I decided” nature I entered this world with, but I haven’t. Over three-and-a-half decades later, I still do things on my own time. Thankfully, God accounts for this in His plans. And thankfully, I am in a place where I can accept His grace and forgiveness and see the goodness in His permissive will. 

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Thirty-Eight

The majority of my life was spent following trends. Like most females, I wanted to fit in, to be part of “that group.” What that actually translated to was being lost and insecure; I either had no idea who I actually was or I didn’t like who I was and wanted to hide…or, more accurately, both.

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Thirty-Six

There is something profoundly beautiful about receiving words of affirmation directly from someone as opposed to hearing them secondhand. There is a level of vulnerability that makes such an exchange more personal, more special, and more intimate.

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Thirty-Five

Clutter collided with my desire to hear Him this evening, yielding more frustration than what I was already feeling because of my cluttered mind. Despite all my attempts to surrender my thoughts, I continued in the chaotic push-and-pull until one word was whispered to me: selah.

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Thirty-Four

I don’t think enemy territory always looks the same. In my experience, it looks vastly different than what we would expect both because it is where we walk daily and because the battle isn’t always raging as we might think it would. At times, the battle is subtle, creeping slowly and covertly upon us until one day we realize that the enemy has closed in.

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Thirty-Three

A snag in our plan resulted in us bringing these items to a homeless shelter, which happened to be across the street from what was blatantly a gang house. After parking, I got out of the car to notify the homeless shelter that we had arrived. Immediately, a man stepped off of the porch of that gang house, crossed the street, and walked toward me. 

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Thirty-Two

Walking into something without any foresight or knowledge of what may come - having blind faith - is one thing. One difficult thing.

But what about partially blind faith? What about the times when we are aware of the people, the culture of an institution, or even the black-and-white facts involved in certain situations? A great measure of faith is certainly required to walk such situations, but there is not a complete lack of sight or knowledge. I hadn’t considered partially blind faith to be something - let alone something to consider stepping into - until today.

I saw a woman, not much larger than I, walking two dogs that - combined - easily weighed twice as much as she did. The fact that she was petite and walking two large dogs wasn’t what led me to ponder partially blind faith; it was the fact that their leashes were connected to a strap she wore around her hips.

I have walked many dogs on leashes in my lifetime. In fact, I’ve even walked a cat on a leash. I’ve walked boxers, and I’ve walked Great Danes. I’ve trained dogs to walk short-leash and to be obedient off-leash. Despite all of my dog walking experience, I think the very last thing I would consider doing would be to walk any dog on a leash that I wore around my hips. 

I used to run with my old boxer when I lived in Tucson. There was always something scurrying across the sidewalk; be it a tarantula or lizard, a distraction seemed to always present itself to her on every run. I would be in the zone, music in my ears, focused on the path before me when suddenly my entire body would jolt toward cacti and agaves because she saw something and therefore had to chase it. She was extremely well-trained, very disciplined, and great on a leash and off…but she was still a dog. 

In order for that woman to walk her dogs the way she did, she had to have a great measure of faith in them and in herself. She also knew exactly what she was getting herself into when she buckled that strap around her hips and attached the snap hook to their collars. 

She had partially blind faith. She walked into something knowing full well it could be an absolute disaster, yet she had hope in the outcome and confidence in her preparedness, and she walked forth on the designated path bravely.

Partially blind, but still in faith.

I face many things with partially blind faith, often on a daily basis. In fact, we all do. We enter our vehicles knowing the dangers that lie before us on the road, but we have faith that we will reach our destinations. We make career changes knowing the risk that uncharted territory brings, but we have faith that it will work out as it is intended. We walk in relationship with others knowing the risk vulnerability carries, but we pursue them nonetheless.

Our faith may be unconscious, it may be such an inherent thing that we don’t give it a second thought, but it is there, right alongside our awareness of risk.

Partially or completely blind, we live by faith.

By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.

By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.

By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.

Hebrews 11:29-31

Thirty-One

So what, then, is it that gets in the way of this for me that is not even a consideration for my daughter? The answer is: I have twenty-nine more years of allowing the enemy to throw shame at me, to alter my thinking, and to cultivate reactions that are the exact opposite of the ways of God than she does.

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Thirty

When I consider not being able to see, the challenges the physically blind face come to mind. It is overwhelming to consider the difficulties they face in everyday life. How do they have that must trust for drivers while crossing busy intersections? What do they do in facilities that only offer staircases? Are blind women unable to wear make-up? How do they style their hair? How are they limited in the workplace? How are they able to write?

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Twenty-Nine

As clearly as I can see the definition of “centipede” in the children’s dictionary resting on our bookshelf, I now see the attempts of the enemy to steal what never belonged to him anyhow. And this - this daily fellowship with the Lord where I am writing so He can use my words for His glory - this is my clap back.

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Twenty-Eight

I silently asked God to speak to me through my children, who were playing in a neighboring room with my friend’s daughter. Within seconds, my youngest daughter shouted, “School’s over!” She marched into our family room on her way upstairs, giggling. She held a children’s dictionary of ours and called my name, saying she had something to show me. I opened my eyes to see the page she had opened for me; a page that contained a drawing of a centipede.

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Twenty-Seven

Choice. My daughter chose to see that flower. She chose to see its beauty instead of focusing on all the reasons it shouldn’t be there. She chose to care for it instead of reasoning herself out of it, and she chose to care for it tenderly. She chooses to hope for what is coming instead of worrying about what may or may not come.

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Twenty-Six

It is not time for dandelions to burst through the soil. Winter is approaching, there are no insects flying about to benefit from its arrival, and the only flowers in bloom (at least around these parts) are potted mums. It was a lone ranger in the withering grass and carpet of fallen leaves.

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Twenty-Five

We were on our way down, as we had seen the dark clouds getting closer very quickly, but we were still too late. It became dangerous to descend in the rain because the rocks were incredibly slippery, but staying atop a mountain when there was lightning also posed a risk.

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Twenty-Four

Fellowship is necessary to our walk because God is a God of relationship. Solitude is necessary to our walk because God is a God of relationship. God is necessary to our walk because He is a God of relationship. Ultimately, it all comes back to Him. In the quiet and in the noise, in the distraction-free and the chaos, it all comes back to Him.

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Twenty-Two

My repetitive drill to rest has recently been called out more loudly than ever - through the way my life is (nonstop, unpredictable, more than I can manage on my own as a working single mom of two), through my devotional the last two mornings, and now through an occurrence that could only have been orchestrated by my Abba Father.

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Twenty-One

It was difficult for me because the waiting and the silence brought anxiety. I battled the wonderings of what would be called next, when it would be called, how many other people were left standing, etc. Anxiety came in the resting and the waiting.

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